Loss - It's OK to be NOT OK

As the summer draws to an end, I find myself reflecting a bit more than usual on how the year has progressed and on life in general. Even as I prepare for a new school year for my kids (whatever it might look like), I can’t shake the fact that so far this year has been marked by tremendous loss for many. It comes up time and time again in my coaching practice. Loss comes in many forms and dealing with any type of loss can be incredibly difficult and is often an extremely lonely process.

Loss is a powerful emotion brought on by various things including losing a job, the end of a relationship, moving house… not just by death. It can shake our identify to its core. And loss is a complicated emotion because it triggers so many other emotions and causes us to reflect not only on the job, the person or the relationship we lost, but on life in general. This self-reflection is what makes loss so personal and lonely. We can share our memories and stories with others, but in the end the underlying meaning of the stories on our personal story and how they color our reflections is ours and maybe only understood by us. It is a process so personal, it is hard to help and be helped. There is always a part of this road that we have to walk alone.

Another reason loss is so difficult and lonely is because it makes others uncomfortable. If you lose someone or something close to you, you can be sad and grieve for a while. But after that, people expect you to return to "normal". As a society we are not really ok with people being NOT OK. As the saying goes, "Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry alone." So people pretend they fine, making a difficult time even more difficult and more isolating. I have a friend who just ended a long-term relationship and when I ask her how she is doing, she says she is fine. Even when I press her a bit, everything is OK. It is over… She is moving on... I don’t mean to be skeptical or over dramatic, but I find this hard to believe. I feel like we all suffer from the idea that is it not ok to be “NOT OK”. And I think it is important to stand up and say it IS ok to be NOT OK and it is OK to share the fact that you are NOT OK.

I actually can not point fingers here, because I am guilty of always being "fine" myself. Worse, as a friend I have tended to stay away from topics which I think might upset others, even when they are the elephant in the room. But I am writing this blog post because I have recently changed the way I think about this. It is my training and experience as a coach that has reshaped my thinking. Also, as someone who has experienced loss, I know that it can be overwhelming at times. So I can assure you that bringing up the loss, while upsetting, doesn’t have to be avoided. The question you ask or conversation you start doesn’t cause the pain you might get a glimpse of. That underlying pain is always there. Asking about how someone is doing from a place of genuine concern can actually serve as an escape valve for the pent-up emotion. It unmasks the pain temporarily and you are really doing someone a favor by accompanying them in their emotion. For a while the loneliness and isolation of loss subsides, even if the pain continues.

So go ahead and ask how people are and open a safe place for them to be NOT OK. And for the many of us who have or are experiencing loss in these crazy times (and I know there are many out there), I want to repeat, if only to convince myself, that it is OK to be NOT Ok and it is OK to let people know. It can be difficult to “get a handle” on grief and loss. People often feel that they should be doing better because they may see others apparently keeping it together while they continue to struggle. And while being NOT OK for a prolonged period of time might require some professional help (which is also OK), being NOT OK for a month or 2 or 6 or 12 after a big loss is normal.

Only by being NOT OK and pushing through and past that stage, can we come out the other side. We need to acknowledge the pain and allow ourselves to feel it. Burying emotions, or keeping busy so we don’t have time to feel them or denying our emotions will only lead to a feeling to being stuck. Allowing ourselves to feel crappy and sad and awful and acknowledging the pain will allow us to move on, eventually. Only then can we envision and build the new normal.

I understand that there are always people who will want or need to suffer in silence. But for others, asking and giving them the space to be NOT OK is the best thing you can do. And allowing ourselves to be NOT OK is the best thing we can do for ourselves as well.