I started to think about commitment the other day, commitment and commitments. I had to walk the dog, trouble shoot an IT issue for my daughter’s online school, make dinner and then both daughters needed to be somewhere at 17:00. But not the same place, two different places - one across town from the other! Not to mention the work I had to get done for my paying job. I started to feel a little bit stressed by all these tasks and commitments.
Let’s face it, 2020 is not really a normal year. Almost since the beginning of the year, it has been impossible to settle into any kind of routine. Additionally, with both my kids attending school at home, they now require additional time and attention - they have questions, check in during breaks or when they are bored, there are IT issues, homework issues, someone needs a snack… I feel like I am being pulled in too many directions. It makes me feel like a bad mother AND a bad manager.
Apparently, I am not alone. A recent McKinsey study found that one in four women are contemplating downshifting their careers or have already left the workforce. Women are on the verge of losing all the professional gains of the past decade. Unfortunately, the most recent data on women shows that they still carry a disproportionate responsibility for chores at home and for childcare. Add this to the fact that that they do not earn as much on the job as a man doing the same job, and the results of the McKinsey report should come as no surprise. No wonder many women are throwing in the towel. This pandemic shines a light on various social ills that have gone un-noticed or unaddressed until now. The situation of women in the workplace is one of them. Companies and societies need to come up with innovative and effective ways to support families and women through this crisis, and in the future, if they want to keep the economic value added of having women in the workforce.
But I digress, because it is a long-term battle to change the policies of States, Countries or large multinationals. What I can do in the here and now is to help support those who are feeling spread so thin. I was a full-time mom for a number of years, so it was my only job for a while. As a job, being a mom is as rewarding as it is thankless. I am sure many moms and some dads can relate to this. In the current pandemic situation, I have reflected that I now have two full-time jobs. As I work from home now, on the one hand I am concerned about the occasional day of low productivity I am experiencing. It is a problem an increasing number of us are facing as we juggle home & school responsibilities with our day job which brings home the bacon. On the other hand, I also sometimes feel like I am neglecting my kids and their issues when I set aside time for “real work” or tell them not to bother me for the next hour so I can actually get something done. As I type, one of my kids has just stomped off to her room because I am “not paying any attention to her”.
Balancing work and family, a task that has always been challenging, has become nearly impossible. It is an issue that is dominating many of the coaching sessions with my clients. People are really struggling. So, short of quitting your job (and while we continue to push for the kinds of changes in corporate culture and societal support for families), what can we do?
The good news is that we already have many of the skills we need, and we are all figuring this out together. I have listed a few tips here that my clients and I have come up with and which I have used. They have allowed me to honor my commitments in all the various aspects of my life to the best of my abilities, and while they will not solve all your problems, they might help.
1. Organization. This seems obvious, but is bears repeating. When the going gets tough, the tough get organized. It is the only way that I can keep so many balls spinning at the same time. Additionally, I push this responsibility for self-organization down to my kids. I have the luxury of having children who are old enough to do this, so I now hold them accountable to organize themselves (with support). It has made a big difference.
2. Focus on quality, not quantity. One of the good things about working from home is the flexibility. I am no longer required to be “chained” to my desk from 9 to 5, no matter how much work I have or don’t have. But I needed to break this mental model that I held onto in my mind, and I needed to break down my projects into workable chunks so I could really make progress and see the results. Tracking progress on projects and meeting deadlines allows us to move away from the 9 to 5 mindset and concentrate on the quality of the work getting done on a project. Some days much more work gets done than others, and some work might get done in the evening or early morning now, which still works. It is important to use this new flexibility to our advantage.
3. Transparency and collaboration. This has been key with both my work colleagues and my children. Finding ways to get things done by using shared brain power has been such a highlight. Both my kids need to be at practice at 5:00, but at the opposite sides of town. Sitting down with my daughters to discuss how we can do this has made us much more collaborative. Also, everyone understands the situation, so there is no suspicion of favoritism in the solutions we come up with. Same with work. Communicating and collaborating on how to finish important projects has been key and prioritizing project work has also extremely helpful.
4. Don’t allow commitments or deadlines to become a specter of doom and a distraction. Worrying about all the things that have to get done can take up so much mental energy; and it takes focus off actually getting things done. I am conscious now about NOT worrying. I plan and I do the best I can and I am transparent with my communications and my limitations. It makes me happier and so much more productive. It also allows me to be present with my family when I am supporting them.
5. Ask for help. If you have a support structure in place, ask for help and let people share the load. There are many people right now who are looking for a way to contribute, so open yourself up to this. As the saying goes, it takes a village to raise a child. And while many of us do not have access to an entire village, many of us have friends or family near-by to help out. Even for those of us who are far away from most of our friends, we can still find emotional support via the occasional phone call or zoom cocktail hour. And a little bit of support can go a long way.
6. Lastly, it helps me to remember where some of these commitments came from. It helps me to connect to the meaning that I find in these things. The WHY of the commitment helps me connect to the joy they can bring. I am now fully present in the car trip across town and enjoying this time, rather than worrying about other things I am not doing. I connect to the WHY of work projects and coaching and I am once again able to appreciate how fortunate I am to work in a sector making such a positive impact on the world.
I hope a couple of these tips will help alleviate some of the stress we are all feeling until things shift again and life becomes more manageable. I would add a good dose of self-love and forgiveness into any mix of things you might decide to try. We are going to fail sometimes and have bad days as we go forward, but try to focus on the positivity of learning from a mistake and try not to beat yourself up.
And I invite all the working parents reading this to share their top tips. Collaboration and collective brain power are powerful tools!